Recipe for a 45-Minute Vacation

Spring is technically here, but jetting off on a spring break seems about as likely as your paperwork stack alphabetizing and filing itself. The litany of things exhausting you is starting to sound like a Shania Twain song, which makes you realize that you’ve actually started fantasizing about that “Honey, I’m Home”-obsessed Holiday Inn Express somewhere close to an ocean where your parents used to force-feed you complimentary muffins. Has it really come to this?

While there’s no actual substitute for the full sensory detox a of a week at the beach, you can still get a little bit of warm-weathery distance from the things that are stressing you out at home.

Recipe Ingredients:

1 romance novel (bad)
1 straw
1 dish bin*
½ cup salt
1 neon nail polish
1 dish bin quantity warm water
1 towel
1 place to sit
1 place for feet (elevated)
45 minutes all to yourself

*Lobster pot may work if that’s your thing

Note on Ingredients:

For most successful execution of this recipe, you’ll want to be able to readily identify where things start getting steamy in your penny dreadful. Open to page 10 and search for signs of ailing normal human functions in the heroine (breathlessness, thoughtlessness, speechlessness, etc.). If all seems business as usual, skip ahead to page 100 to get things rolling.

Personally, nothing spells vacation like a historical cowboy story, but the choice is ultimately between you and your Rite Aid.

Recipe Yield: total relaxation

Recipe Procedure:

Begin by finding 45 minutes to yourself in a private place you won’t be bothered. Create mini Bermuda Triangle by severing all electronic communication to the outside world.

Place straw in whatever beverage you are currently drinking for instant luxury upgrade. If it’s not already fruity or alcoholic, don’t stress yourself out — you’re vacationy enough just the way you are.*

While sipping with remarkable ease, fill dish tub with warm water. Place bin in front of sweet escape seat of choice. Sit. Add salt and place feet inside footbath, allowing healing properties of mini tropical ocean to take effect from the ground up.

Open bad romance novel and find place where things begin to heat up. Only read parts you think are interesting. This is your mind vacation. If something is boring to you, skip ahead. Crack the spine if that makes the passion more real for you. There are no rules on spring break.

Just when you think you might die of frustration if Tiffany doesn’t reveal that she is not the upstart housekeeper, Jennifer, but Hunter’s long estranged fiancé (for example), put the book down and extract your feet from exfoliating natural wave pool. Towel dry.

Paint your toenails with bright, festive color. Place feet on elevated surface and recline. Take a moment to feel your feelings. Good? Relaxed? In your body? Reward yourself with a sip from your straw.

Now settle in for the remainder of your beach read. Allow yourself to gradually disconnect from all the petty concerns of your life, becoming whole with what really matters: Hunter, Tiffany, and the future of the Triple C Ranch. End result should be feelings of rightness in the world and a deep sense of tranquility.

* The aim isn’t to get you drunk or sugar high, it’s to make you feel like you don’t have to lift your glass as high as you normally do.

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